Did you know every anus is as unique as a fingerprint? Crazy right? Also, shout out to scientists because I don't think there's any amount of money that would entice me to spread apart the sticky cheeks of random humans and probe their holes for the sake of discovery 💡.
Now that you've learned that random fact (that you didn't ask for), let's talk about how to sustainably prevent sticky cheeks shall we?
Here in the America and many other countries, we clean our buttholes with dry toilet paper post 💩. I know some of y'all are fancy and use wet wipes, but for the most part, every public restroom in 'Murica provides dry toilet paper for all toilet-related activities. We never question it; it simply is our way of life.
In this article, I provide some more sustainable options for cleaning your bum bum (I wonder how many euphemisms I can come up with for the word 'buttocks') that are a little bit better for your body and for the planet. Please keep in mind, no product is going to be the absolute perfect solution, but the goal is progress, not perfection.
Toilet paper recommendations
Stick with toilet paper made from fast-growing bamboo. It is far more sustainable than tree-toilet paper.
ReelPaper - black co-owned company that supplies bamboo toilet paper on a subscription basis and ships directly to you for $36.99 in plastic-free packaging
Their 3-ply products have no inks or dyes or BPA
Receive $10 off your first order by using this link
This company is also located in Target if you'd prefer to check it out first prior to subscribing
Plantpaper - also a bamboo toilet paper company that offers plastic-free packaging
They are a bit more pricey than Reel but they also offer 3-ply non-toxic products for $58 with a subscription.
Seekbamboo - the cheapest of the bunch, this natural toilet paper company offers 3-ply odor-free and hypoallergenic toilet rolls for $34 with a subscription that is customizable to your schedule.
Wet wipes recommendations
Caboo flushable bamboo wipes - no plastic fibers or harsh chemicals with this brand, although the package may come with plastic wrapping.
Simpleleaf flushable viscose wipes - this brand provides plastic-free plant-based wipes that are encased in a container with no plastic lid. They also reserve 1% of their total revenue for clean water sanitation solutions to developing nations.
Bidet recommendations
Why not use toilet paper alone?
Toilet paper companies are often associated with deforestation on a massive scale because who wants to wipe down with a leaf? In addition to deforestation, the wood pulp that makes the toilet paper purchased by the majority of the public is usually put through a bleaching process which involves loads of harsh and toxic chemicals.
If you only use dry toilet paper as is the custom of most people, your little (or big) booty hole ain't clean folks! Sorry, but that's the truth. Think about it - would you use dry toilet paper on a baby's bottom post their diaper blowout session? Most likely not. You'll get those wet wipes out (we'll address wet wipes shortly) and you'll go to town making sure there are no streak marks left between that little cherub's cheeks. So, when exactly does it become okay to forgo a deep cleaning via wet wipes and switch to some dry a$$ toilet paper that always leaves little white souvenirs behind? At what age is a slightly clean butthole considered appropriate? Age 2? I aint got kids yet, so y'all let me know.
What about Wet Wipes?
Now, for wet wipes - people who appreciate a deeper clean often use wet wipes to clean up or do a two step process with wet wipes first, and toilet paper next. HOWEVER...most wet wipes are made with petroleum based ingredients which are terrible for our waste systems and often clog our sewers. I repeat: MOST wet wipes are NOT biodegradable, regardless of whatever the manufacturer is selling you. There are a few exceptions so if you'd like to persist with the wet wipes custom because that gives you the best clean and leaves you feeling crisp betwixt your cheeks, see the above recommendations for more sustainable options.
Biodegradable or not, wet wipes generate quite a bit of waste from their manufacturing process and into use. The products are often also placed into plastic containers which leak microplastics and are most likely never going to be recycled. Therefore, wet wipes as an every day use for the nyash (Nigerian euphemism for butt) is not my favorite method.
Hello Bidets!
To be completely honest, the first time I saw a bidet was in 2016 in Europe and I had no idea what my eyes were beholding. Now, 6 years later, I consider myself a strong bidet convert and apostle. I am 'going therefore' and proselytizing all my friends (and now you, dear reader); with the aim of encouraging all of humanity to experience the sheer bliss that is a gentle jet of water sweeping away poop nuggets from the great breech.
Pros of Bidets
The feeling of water just washing away all the questionable food decisions you made earlier in the day is wonderful! No amount of wet wipes or toilet paper comes close in comparison.
It helps reduce the amount of paper towels or wet wipes you have to use, thereby reducing overall waste. Bidets prepare the way for the dry clean up with toilet paper and enable you to tear off less from roll because there won't be a need to do multiple wipes.
Most bidets are very easy to install for the average person - seriously, if I can install it, you can too!
Bidets should last a long time when properly installed.
If you're post-partum, that cool stream of water cleansing your nether region feels amazing - according to my friends who have pushed out brand new humans out of a very small hole.
Many bidets are non-electric and run on simple mechanics which means even if there's an electric apocalypse, you can still go dingleberry-free 😛.
Cons of Bidets
You gotta install it. I truly hate installing things. I'm not great with my hands and putting things together so anything that requires that automatically extracts a deep sigh from me.
The most affordable bidets only offer cold water 💦 so if your hienie is sensitive to icy weather, you might have to shell outa bit more dineros for the warm water bidet offering.
It's yet another plastic appliance. Sigh...I have yet to discover a bidet that isn't made from some plastic component. But at least, it's a plastic appliance that will last for a long time, rather than a single-use item.
Unconverted folk might look at you weird the first time they see your beautiful bidet. But who cares? Weird is good!
I legit don't have any other cons to list for bidets and I had to reach to find some of those cons anyway! I love having my bidets and whenever people visit my house, they love it too. That clean feeling is unparalleled.
I want you and the great divide in your caboose to join the bidet revolution. Let's reject poop nuggets, streaks, skid marks, and all uncleanliness and come into the light of the bidet. Selah.
Remember, the goal is not perfection, just little changes that will later snowball into big changes. Do the very best that you can, whenever you can, and encourage others to do the same; that's how we make positive changes for our planet.
Please leave a comment below if you have any other tips or questions and don't forget to subscribe for more posts on sustainability, travel, and plant-based cooking!